Here is my report on the evening—in list form, because I love lists. I love them so much that lists are actually #4 on my list of “Things I Love.” But I will leave it up to you, readers, to discern which things really did happen that night and which did not.
Do not worry. THE ANSWERS WILL BE PROVIDED. At the end. In very tiny print, as always. But you can guess True or False as you go along. You will not be graded.
1. The reunion was canceled on account of the Rapture which occurred the day before. And no, the ticket money was not refunded, even if you were unRapturable, like me.
2. I attended the reunion solo this time, because at age 53, my husband has correctly assessed that I am no longer a flight risk.
3. Animal print is the new black.
4. At the reunion, there was a cash bar.
5. The First Rule of Reunions happened to me, which inevitably is: The first person who comes charging across the room to greet you is someone whom you have not thought about for 35 years… But he remembers you! And boy is he glad to see you! As he comes closer and you get a look at his name tag and high school picture, you realize it’s that shy, quiet guy that always seemed a little lonely. He looks exactly the same except for the graying hair, and an even greater air of desperation about him. But his eyes have become more intense. You small-talk a bit, eyeing the exits nervously as he tells you about his fascinating career in the postal service and the fact that he still lives in the same house he grew up in and NO HE’S NEVER BEEN MARRIED. Suddenly you really need to excuse yourself to get a drink or go to the ladies’ room and as you walk away you feel his eyes on your back and you are glad you decided not to ask for his parents because he may tell you where he buried them.
6. There was a call for group photos at a certain point in the evening. They summoned all the football players and cheerleaders and drama club types to report to the lobby to have special group photos taken. I didn’t hear the call for all the “eyeglass-wearing, nerdy little teacher’s pets who wrote for the school newspaper and were on the bowling team” group. Maybe I just didn’t hear it. Maybe because I was too busy reciting the prologue to Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales in perfect Middle English pronunciation. Oh god.
7. Someone tried to give me her high school ring that night because she felt sorry when I told her that I lost mine the first week of college. It was very sweet of this person to offer, but I declined, telling her to do what I would have done if I still had my high school ring: CASH FOR GOLD! I thanked her and told her not to waste her generosity on the likes of someone as irresponsible as me. Because what kind of lame, pathetic loser is still wearing her high school ring in college anyway? Apparently, me.
8. I attended the reunion cold-–by which I mean—without first reviewing my classmates’ photos by looking in my yearbook before the event. I have not looked at my yearbook since 1978 or thereabouts. It lies moldering in my attic somewhere.
9. I flirted shamelessly with an old boyfriend.
10. I was able to cross another item off my “Bucket List:” throwing a glass of wine in someone’s face in a haughty, elegant manner. I have always wanted to do this. Think Bette Davis in All About Eve, with the cigarette holder, heavy caked-on lipstick, huge boobs spilling out of the top of the dress (sorry for any confusion; I’m talking about Bette Davis right now). I was hoping by initiating this baptism by wine, I could spark the “bar brawl,” which happens to be item # 2 on my Bucket List.
11. A former classmate gave me and several others silver Kennedy half-dollars with our graduation year on it and this person WAS NOT EVEN MY UNCLE.
12. At the reunion I met a girl who used to bully me in grammar school. She terrified me daily. She was very sweet and said hi to me. I said hi to her too, and then I walked away in a bit of a daze.
13. When the time came to sit down to dinner with my buffet plate, it appeared that all the seats were taken. Someone offered to let me sit on his lap. And sadly, or perhaps, mercifully, I cannot recall who it was.
14. I had a wonderful time at the reunion, and look forward to the next one!
I always warn my readers when they read my blog: half of what I say is true, the other half is bullshit, and the third half is jokes. It is up to you to understand which of these three halves is which. I should also mention that math is not my strong suit and there is a good chance I was absent when they covered fractions. As a matter of fact, I do not remember any kind of maths, having spent all my time in high school memorizing key passages from great works of literature for this very reason: THAT I MAY RECITE THEM DRUNKENLY AT HIGH SCHOOL REUNIONS.
This is a self-graded test. Now you have to go back and see which of the above statements are True and which are False. No looking at your neighbor’s paper. The answers may surprise you!