1. Anything you actually wore in high school, even if it still fits. (As if!)
2. Maternity clothes. (I’m talking mainly to the ladies here, but guys, you should listen up, too.) Yes, it’s true, wearing clothes purchased in Target’s maternity department, when you are not indeed pregnant, certainly is comfy—or so I have been told—but there’s no need to start rumors or unduly startle anyone at your 35th high school reunion. Although it could be a terrific ice-breaker.
3. That orange jumpsuit you were issued a few years back due to that “youthful indiscretion.” It’s not flattering because that hue is SO last year. Or SO last 5 – 20 years with time off for good behavior. Anyway, jumpsuits went out when Cher stopped wearing them. Wait . . . she’s still wearing them? Well, they’re out. Trust me.
4. Anything from Old Navy.
5. Your prom dress. (Same goes for those bridesmaid dresses we were told would be wearable in another venue. Um, no.) Wearing your prom dress to the reunion practically guarantees you’ll be wearing the same thing as another former classmate. It’ll be prom night all over again—and you know what that means: look, if I had a nickel for every time someone dumped a bucket of pig’s blood all over me at prom because we were wearing the same dress—I’d have a lot of nickels. It’s just so immature. Who wants to go through that spectacle again? Leave the prom dresses in the back of the closet where they belong, or risk huge dry cleaning expenses. Getting pig’s blood off satin is a bitch.
6. Your favorite little black dress that’s, well, a little too little. There is a fine line between sexy and grotesque, and 35 years out from high school we all should know where that is.
7. Non-matching shoes. This fad never caught on, although I tried mightily to make it seem cool that day I got dressed in the dark and came to school with one brown shoe and one black one. C’mon! Work with me here, I pleaded. But you didn’t.
8. Your school colors. Showing up looking like the school mascot won’t play well. Although wearing the red and gold Bruin costume will help to hide the 25 pounds you’ve packed on since high school.
9. Anything from Forever 21. Because, let’s face it: if you’re headed to your 35-year reunion, you’re not even close.
10. Anything animal-print. ladies—and gents too, I suppose. Are you listening? Try to suppress the urge to unleash your inner cougar. Rawrr.
Wish me luck.
I will give a full report after the affair. I only hope it does not get canceled, but there is a good chance it may, because it is scheduled for October 22—which is, unfortunately, the day after the Rapture—Take Two. (Remember when Rapture One was supposed to happen on May 21? Well it didn’t. So now we take our chances that this reunion will be a non-starter. With a ticket price of $100, it better take place or I will be pissed.)
But who am I kidding? It’s the RAPTURE. I’m not going to be raptured anywhere. As a matter of fact, as I think about my fellow classmates and some of their antics in high school, I think we’ll be all right. Most of us will remain unsaved, sitting right at the bar after all the sizzle and flash is over. The only thing I worry about is the bartender. I hope he or she is a huge sinner. Because I would really hate it if the bartender got raptured up before I got a drink. And God knows, I’m gonna need one.