1.  Anything you actually wore in high school, even if it still fits. (As IF!)

2.  Maternity clothes. (I’m talking mainly to the ladies here, but guys, listen up, too.) Yes, it’s true, wearing clothes purchased in Target’s maternity department, when you are not indeed pregnant, certainly is comfy—I have been told—but no need to start rumors or unduly startle anyone at your 35th high school reunion. Although it could be a terrific ice-breaker.

3.  That orange jumpsuit you were issued a few years back due to that “youthful indiscretion.” It’s not flattering because that hue is SO last year. Or SO last 5 – 20 years with time off for good behavior. Anyway jumpsuits went out when Cher stopped wearing them.  Wait . . . she’s still wearing them? Well, they’re out. Trust me. And I don’t care what Chaz is wearing on DWTS.

4.  Anything from Old Navy. 

5.  Your prom dress. (Same goes for those bridesmaid dresses we were told would be wearable in another venue. Um, no.) Wearing your prom dress to the reunion practically guarantees you’ll be wearing the same thing as another former classmate. It’ll be prom night all over again—and you know what that means:  look, if I had a nickel for every time someone dumped a bucket of pig’s blood all over me at prom because we were wearing the same dress. It’s just so immature. Who wants to go through that spectacle again? Leave the prom dresses in the back of the closet where they belong, or risk huge dry cleaning expenses. Getting pig’s blood off satin is a bitch.

6.  Your favorite little black dress that’s, well, a little too little. There is a fine line between sexy and grotesque, and 35 years out from high school we all should know where that is.

7.  Non-matching shoes. This fad never caught on, although I tried mightily to make it seem cool that day I got dressed in the dark and came to school with one brown shoe and one black one. C’mon! Work with me here, I pleaded. But you didn’t. 

8.  Your school colors. Showing up looking like the school mascot won’t play well. Although wearing the red and gold Bruin costume will help to hide the 25 pounds you’ve packed on since high school. 

9.  Anything from Forever 21. Because, let’s face it: if you’re headed to your 35-year reunion, you’re not even close.

10.  Anything animal-print. Ladies (And gents too, I suppose). Are you listening? Try to suppress the urge to unleash your inner cougar. Rawrr. 

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Wish me luck. 

I will give a full report after the affair. I only hope it does not get canceled, but there is a good chance it may, because it is scheduled for October 22—which is, unfortunately, the day after the Rapture (Take Two)—will be going down.  (Remember when Rapture One was supposed to happen on May 21? Well it didn’t. So now we take our chances that this reunion will be a non-starter. With a ticket price of $100, it better take place or I will be pissed.)

But who am I kidding? It’s the RAPTURE. I’m not going to be raptured anywhere. As a matter of fact, as I think about my fellow classmates and some of their antics in high school, I think we’ll be all right. Most of us will remain unsaved, sitting right at the bar after all the sizzle and flash is over. The only thing I worry about is the bartender. I hope he or she is a huge sinner. Because I would really hate it if the bartender got raptured up before I got a drink. And God knows, I’m gonna need one.    

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That about sums it up.  Buh-bye.  Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.  You betcha.

Aww, hate to sound so mean since Sarah retreated so quietly and without fanfare.  The only people she disappointed were her cult of paint chip-eating fantards.  They are still in shock over her betrayal and as of this moment are collectively pining for a “Draft Sarah” movement or a third-party (read: Teabagger) challenge.  Yup.  Well, she deserves better.  She didn’t lead us on.  It’s not like she strung out her decision about whether to run for President for an obscenely extended period of time like . . . like . . . Chris Christie, who was on the fence (an impressively sturdy fence, I might add) about his own decision for maybe two months tops, right?  (In actuality, Palin began her own presidential campaign well before the lights had dimmed on the stage where John McCain had just given his concession speech after his failed 2008 presidential bid.  But hey, that’s what rogues do.  No loyalty to the old imbecile who plucked her out of obscurity.) 

Well, at least she’s over there in one of the Koreas (any of ’em, all of ’em), blessedly unshackled by a title, representin’ America and showin’ her patriotism by slamming our President and our country’s carefully-forged-by-experts foreign policy toward no particular Korea.  Maybe it’s South Korea.  Or is it one of the Viet Nams?  Dang it, why does there always have to be two?   Oh well, it’s not like she’s going to cause an international incident or anything. 

But wait . . . here’s this week’s headline from the Korean Times:  “Palin Looks Forward to North Korean Regime Change.”  Apparently, this was news to the Department of Homeland Security and the State Department and her remarks caused no small amount of concern within those organizations.  Here’s another headline:  “Officials respond quickly as inflammatory rhetoric from Sarah Palin threatens to raise tensions between North and South Korea.”  Well, thank God Sarah is over there helping with international relations by doing some fancy pageant walkin’ and opening up her botoxed piehole with some of her trademarked mavericky statements.  

Here’s an exerpt from that article:

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said she “looks forward to regime change” in North Korea while calling on South Korea to help the North when its regime is finally ousted.  [At least this time she didn’t get the two Koreas mixed up.  I hear she has the same problem distinguishing between the two Dakotas and the two Carolinas, but it’s less of a problem since these places do not have nuclear weapons aimed at each other.  Yet.]

“Being under the thumb of a dictator, the first victims of his regime are his own people,” said Palin during a keynote address at the 12th World Knowledge Forum in Seoul, Tuesday. 

Palin, who was the vice presidential nominee of the Republican Party in 2008, made the comment in a Q&A session with Ritz Kahn of Al Jazeera English immediately after her speech. 

The theme of this year’s forum is “The New Economic Crisis: Reforming Global Leadership & Asia’s Challenge.” 

Regarding Palin’s remark, the Seoul government showed a cautious response. 

Jo Byoung-jae, spokesman for the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade, said flatly “regime change is not a policy goal or the objective of this government.” 

He said he is not criticizing Palin or her statement, but just stating as clearly as possible what the North Korea policy of Seoul is, adding, “I think it is safe to say that it is also not the policy goal of the U.S. government either.” 

Palin’s statement drew attention as it came at a particularly precarious time for South and North Korean relations amid lingering tensions on the Korean Peninsula. 

I like how the Korean people are much too polite to just come out and say, “OMG, did she just say that?!  Oh no she di’int!”  Remind me again why people pay to hear this professional grifter speak on topics about which she knows nothing?

Leave it to Snowdrift Snooki to travel overseas and almost cause war to break out.  Too bad she pulled out of the race—she would have made an EXCELLENT president with her COMMONSENSE foreign policy credentials and AWESOME diplomatic skillz.  I guess we’ll know if the North Koreans are upset by this statement when we find out that all of their intercontinental ballistic missiles are suddenly recalibrated and trained on Alaska.  Let’s just hope Palin gets home in time to receive her gift from one of the Koreas.  (It’s North Korea, Sarah; I googled it.  Try it sometime!)

Thank goodness this hot mess is outta here.