Sarah Palin’s Announcement Speech*

August 25, 2011

Someone leaked this speech to me, so I’m sharing it with you in its entirety.  (This letter must be read with Tina Fey’s great Sarah Palin accent in mind.  For the proper effect, think Frances McDormand in Fargo, only a lot screechier):

My fellow teabaggers, do you loove yer freeeedumb?

What a great city you have here in Indianola!  What better place to make this announcement than the hot- air capital of the heartland!  I must tellya, we use only genuine Indianola balloons to decorate the house when our kids or grandkids (any of’em; all of ’em) have birthday parties, don’t we, Todd?

It’s good to see so many little people together and we’re happy to announce that we’ll be runnin’ for President of this fine country.

We’re goin’ to plow through that door of the White House because God opened it a crack and we’ll act according to his mandation.  He created America to be a Christian, exceptional nation, a shiny hill on a city, for the true patriots.

I was just talkin’ to Piper yesterday when we were out huntin’ to fill our freezer and the wisdom of a child is truly a miracle.  She asked, “Mom, if the Founding Fathers were true Christians, shouldn’t they be called Christian Fathers, or Founding Christians?”

The lamestream media will most likely criticize little Piper Diaper for her wisdom and commonsense solutions to our problems, but we’ll amend the doggone foundin’ documents when we’re President because “In God We Trust.”  And they’ll have to take all that money with those words printed on it out of my cold dead hands, along with my guns, also too.

Mama grizzlies don’t go with flow, only dead fish do that, it’s a time-tested truth that my science teacher dad has been teachin’ up there in the great state of Alaska for ions. You little people don’t go with the flow and I don’t go with the flow of politics as usual like the intellectual elites down there in Washington D.C.  (That’s in the Lower 48.)

No more good old boys’ club, we’ll start a new grizzly club, but not for the cackling rads. We’ll refudiate all the Supreme Court decisions that we don’t like and take government out of our lives, and with all my executive experience as a businesswoman and fish wife, we’ll reform that Department of Law there in the White House.

My science teacher dad and his wife Sally, and also too, my precious little boy with those special needs all luckily escaped Obama’s death panels because I warned the country about the blood libel and it’s time to end Medicaid and Medicare because us rill Americans don’t need any stinkin’ entitlement programs—not if we’re goin’ to have real energy independence with good smellin’ emissions and rein in spending also too.  It’s . . . it’s all about job creation.  I learned the five Ws of governin’ in college and will clean up the sorry state that journalism is in, so it’s fair and balanced down there in the White House.

I’m sorry we took so long to make this announcement, but I didn’t blink before when I ran on the Palin/McCain ticket and you saw what happened there. Obama encouraged the media to keep makin’ things up about me and attackin’ my family and they kept askin’ for medical records and about my record as the CEO of Alaska in a sexist way when they didn’t even ask questions about Obama pallin’ around with Bill Ayers when he was eight years old!  I’ll tellya, what kind of vetting was that?  So I blinked this time, just to make sure.  And we didn’t retreat, we reloaded, you betcha!

We took our time to decide to throw my servant’s heart in the ring, didn’t we, Todd?  But the family is doing good, hell yeah, they are.  Bristol the Pistol and her sister Willow the Pillow are doing just great livin’ in LA with no boys upstairs and my precious little gift from God is somewhere in Alaska, walking around without his glasses on, looking for the North Star—I’m so blessed!  My veteran son that nobody can take away from me, who risked his life protectin’ the lamestream media’s right to make stuff up about me, shrugged his shoulders in a very encouragin’ manner and said, “Whatever,” and Piper, my home-skooled child and constant companion, will travel around with me on this vaca . . . campaign . . . that SarahPAC paid for, so we’re good to go.

I have to ask Track to do some Goggling for me. What is it the president does all day, everyday?

God bless Rill America!

Uh, before I forget: Send all your money to my new PAC, the old one is no good anymore.

I wonder how the person who sent me this got close enough to read all this off her palm!

* For extra credit, see if you can spot all the Sarah Palin-coined words in this letter.  Webster’s New American Dictionary is going to be busy updating their next edition because of her creative wordsmithing.  (I guess it IS all about job creation!)  Also see if you can spot all her bullshit.  Extra-extra credit if you do.  Answers to be discussed in comment section if anyone cares to.  Comment, that is.

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One Response to “Sarah Palin’s Announcement Speech*”

  1. Anne Prince Says:

    Where have you been LBS??

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