(To assume “all” of you are here is very presumptuous of me. Let me start again…)
Hello, fellow unfortunate sinners who have been left behind. (Hmm…that’s catchy.) Anyway, in case you were worried that I was among the virtuous few who were chosen for an unrequested “upgrade” to my final destination, I am here to reassure you that I was only in Aruba. I did not plan it this way, but our trip coincided with Rapture Break (the week of May 21), so we were in the company of legions of other sinners who were also Left Behind. (I am so trademarking this!). We (me and the other sinners) consoled ourselves about the injustice of it all by swimming up to the pool bar—early and often—and drinking delicious, rum-infused, fruity, sometimes frozen (not easy to come by when you’re in hell) concoctions. But our suffering was greatest mainly between the hours of 3:00 and 5:00, otherwise known as “Sinners’ Hour,” during which my fellow sufferers and I wailed and gnashed our teeth in torment, especially when we couldn’t get the bartender’s attention fast enough.
I did survive the many afflictions of Aruba: the deliciously sinful meals, the slothful days of lounging on the beach or at the pool. I am ashamed to say I participated in the wickedness that took place in those dens of iniquity (casinos) that are not only tolerated in Aruba, but cheerfully sanctioned by this sinners’ paradise, wherein all manner of profligate behaviors took place. In fact, I sinned SO HARD there I won $1000 on a decadent game called “Wheel of Misfortune!” I will burn in hell for this alone because, you can be sure, I kept that dirty money.
I even went on a depraved booze cruise on a pirate ship, where they ply you with drinks (called “pirate’s poison”) and offer an assortment of irresponsible (but fun) activities like walking the plank or having another “pirate’s poison.” Believe me, that ship was FULL of sinners, especially rum-soaked, oiled-up, bikini-clad 40-something women who wanted to experience the rope swing while wrapped around the bodies of those bronzed and hunky “pirates” who heroically manned this ship of the damned. Even my once-pale skin bears the mark of my brush with this hellscape—it still glows with a flamey crispyness that surely portends skin cancer. But at least it has stopped peeling.
UPDATE: So I am back from this foretaste of hell, this devil’s island known as Aruba, back in the purgatory that is my daily life. I suppose I should use this time to reflect on my many sins and to cleanse my soul in preparation for the next phase of sinner-selection, now scheduled for October 21. On the bright side, at least I will get another birthday in; I will, however, miss my high school reunion which is scheduled for October 22. Good planning, high school reunion committee! Wait a minute, I probably WILL BE attending the reunion. Who am I kidding?—I won’t make the cut this time either. I wonder who will? I guess I should prepare myself for another ego-crushing night where all the popular kids get to go to the rapture. (Suggestion: you can use “rapture” as a metaphor for “prom” if that works for you. It does for me.) I wonder if the cheerleaders will be selected for Heaven’s Squad? Of course they will, they are always selected first. They are cheerleaders! They can cheer for the raptured! Yay team!
I doubt the rapture squad wants any nerds who wrote for the school newspaper (a liberal rag by any stretch: more damning evidence that I am not worthy of heaven) and who flaunted the limits of their meager physical prowess by participating in a weekly bowling league. I wonder…
Well, we’ll see. At least at this reunion there will be open bar. And by “open bar” I mean access to alcohol that you are paying an exhorbitant price for, but which has been included in the price of the ticket to fool you. A further reminder that you are not in heaven. Heaven is all-inclusive, I believe. Hopefully, there will be a bartender who is a sinner too, so we can get some service. Should be interesting to see who shows up. (Or should I say, who gets Left Behind®?)
I guess it’s pretty obvious: I am still enraptured by the rapture. Stay tuned for Rapture 2.0, coming soon, this October!