This nifty little piece of writing comes courtesy of our last homework assignment, the subject of which was “Point of View/Voice.” We were to write a humorous story or scene (God, it ALWAYS has to be funny! It’s like our humor-writing teacher is OBSESSED with it or something! The dude doesn’t even realize that the whole humor-manufacturing industry has been outsourced to Bangalore. They can get it done so muchcheaper there.)
Anyway, the story had to be written from the POV of someone or something that wouldn’t normally tell a story.Imagine how it/they would feel, think, or act in a given situation. Use your imagination. (Well, duh.)
Open Letter From My Jeans
It has come to my attention, or more precisely Zipper has informed me, that you need to shed a pound or ten. That he found it necessary to alert me to this situation is testimony to the fact that this problem has reached an urgent stage. Zipper says the added poundage, coupled with your propensity for sitting at your computer for untold hours during the day writing stories for your “humor-writing” class, will likely signal the parting of our ways, if these habits continue unabated.
I know you have had several unsuccessful relationships with fad diets in the past. Your brief fling with The South Beach Diet sounded doable. Remember? Lots of eggs, lots of cheese. You thought, great, “I’m a big fan of eggs and cheese,” and you had the cholesterol levels to back that up.
But I wouldn’t have described this diet as “a piece of cake” because they’re pretty clear on that one. That misunderstanding signaled the tipping point in our relationship and you’ve got to take responsibility for its failure.
Then there was the terrifying and damaging relationship you had with Weight Watchers. I recall how at first, they couldn’t stop caring about you! They wooed you and then sucked you in with all their empty promises: one month free, results in 30 days, blah, blah, blah. All lies. That was the beginning of your trust issues.
And then they turned stalker on you! They began a cruel and relentless campaign of harassment which forced you to change your e-mail address and stop payment on your credit card. I know that was a frightening time in your life, which you swore never to repeat, but it’s time you put yourself back out there again.
I only mention this out of concern for your health and well-being. Please reconsider diet and exercise–especially exercise–again, and quit this stupid humor-writing phase. You cannot learn this shit! You either have it or you don’t. I won’t comment on your prospects in this area, but let’s just say having glanced at the drivel you regularly churn out, your time might be better spent at the gym.
And then there’s our relationship. We have had a long and happy association these past few years. I had a long talk with your former friend, Size 8, the other day.She is beginning to suspect the truth, that she will never again see the light of day, relegated as she is to the bottom of your third drawer on the left. Is this what is in store for me, then, to be folded neatly and put aside with only the slimmest of hopes of ever caressing your ass again? Say it’s not so!
Please consider my words and take action, if only to allow us to continue our long and comfortable association.
Your friend (for who knows how much longer),
P.S. I ran into Size 12 the other day. She had an evil gleam in her eye as she inquired as to when she could expect to hook up with you. I told her to back the eff off, and then I said the same to her sloppy sister, Sweatpants.