All Is LOST!

May 24, 2010

Well, is anyone gonna start a new show called Found?

Advertisements

I confess:  I joined Weight Watchers once.  It was during a moment of weakness, when they were having their post-holiday season, free three-month membership promotion, targeted at those who “overindulged” (read:  “enjoyed themselves without guilt”) at Christmastime, and who were now entering that post-Yuletide period     of self-loathing.  If it’s one thing Weight Watchers’ marketing geniuses understand, it’s the desperation (read:  financial opportunity) in the New Year’s resolutions of those who gained a few pounds over the holidays.  They know the perfect time to strike. 

Long story short—I am no longer affiliated with this organization.          (I’ll leave it to your fertile imaginations to speculate about WHY I severed my connection with this group, but let’s just say it did NOT deliver on its many extravagant promises!)  Anyway, my short dalliance with Weight Watchers has forever linked me to it via electronic mail.  Not more than a day or two goes by that I don’t hear from my friends at WW.  They are very concerned about me, or more specifically, about my eating decisions.  They recently sent me a list of 25 guidelines to assist me in “Smart Eating Choices.”  Don’t they know that bad decisions always make the best stories?  Sigh.

Anyway, here are my interpretations of their suggestions for my future eating decisions:

1.  Weight Watchers assures me that “good things come in small packages.”  So I should think pierogies, cream puffs, and Cheese Doodles? 

2.  Get “water-wise.”  Should I have someone waterboard me if I mention a craving for McDonalds?

3.  “Season” it up.  Can I sprinkle chocolate jimmies on my celery and carrot sticks to “kick the flavor up a notch?”

4.  “Slim down” your soups.  I thought this said: “Slurp down your soups.”  I hope it’s clam chowder.

5.  “Doggy-bag” half of that dinner.  But later, don’t share it with the dog.

6.  Listen to your cravings.  Weight Watchers, are you sure?  That’s what got me here in the first place.

7.  “Ease” your way into produce.  Do you mean with a crowbar, the way I ease myself into my jeans?

8.  Look for high-fat “hints” on the label.  You mean like: “cheese-dreamers’ orgasm”?

9.  Don’t “multi-task” while eating.  No chance of that.  Just like I can only be either “Late” OR “Soon.”  Never both at the same time.  Throwing something as complicated as eating into the mix would be impossible.

10.  Taste something new.  How about that new Ben and Jerry’s flavor:  Sugar High? 

11.  Leave something on your plate at every meal.  I always leave the plate’s painted flower border intact.  And also chicken bones.

12.  Get to know your portion size.  My portion size: “Gee Whiz.”

13.  Don’t give up dips.  Some of my best friends are dips.

14.  Make healthy substitutions.  White wine for red?  Which has less calories?  More anti-oxidants?  Or more to the point, a higher alcohol content?

15.  Bring lunch to work tomorrow.  I don’t have a job.  What should I do NOW, geniuses at Weight Watchers?  What about that, huh?

16.  Allow yourself some dessert.  Not if it’s that friggin’ skim-milk ricotta concoction with Equal and vanilla extract.  No thank you.  That stuff tastes like ass.

17.  Ask for what you need.  If I were truly honest about this I would ask for wrist restraints and/or locks on the fridge and all cabinets.

18.  Improve your treadmill technique.  Does this mean I should be standing up?

19.  Simon says: “Get fit!”  Latebutsoon says:  Eat shit.

20.  Make the most of your walks.  I always do.  I always combine walking with enjoying a mocha-choco-latte something-or-other in the middle of the walk, or a beer when I’m done.  Try not to fall down.  Although getting back on your feet will burn extra calories.  Or so I have been told. 

21.  Shop ’til you drop… pounds!  You mean pounds of dollars, right?  Not actual pounds?  Unless we’re in England. 

22.  Walk an extra 100 steps every day.  Can I substitute clicking an extra 100 clicks when surfing the Internet?  I will have the most shapely fingers come spring.

23.  Brush your teeth after every meal or snack.  This burns calories!?  Oooo-kay…

24.  Clean your closets.  You know, that place where you hide all your snacks.

25.  After following these guidelines, take your measurements!   … And WEEP!

If I Tweeted…

May 13, 2010

Welcome to another installment of “If I Tweeted…”  And boy, you should be glad I don’t.  Because if I did:

I would make plans with my friends thusly:  “Let’s meet up for alcohols later.”

I wish J. D. Salinger could tell us if heaven is full of goddamn phoneys.

Just wondering if J. D. Salinger is really dead or if he is just trying to be even more reclusive?

I can’t wait to get my hands on Sarah Palin’s new book, America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag (gag) and read it very loudly in a subway platform, while trying not to get arrested for offensive behavior.

Here’s an excerpt:  “There can be no rational denial of the reality that America is a good nation,” writes Palin, or perhaps a third-grader.   

[The above  fake tweet would be funny on two levels:  one, because she’s using a form of the word “reality” twice.  Bad grammatical structure.  And two, because she is invoking a  concept that is completely foreign to her.]  

There is someone on Twitter who uses the name LateANDsoon.  Evidently, this person is a multi-tasker.  And a show-off.

If ignorance is bliss, Sarah Palin must live in a state of constant ecstacy.

Maybe the Duggars misheard God’s commandment in Genesis as: “Be fruitflies, and multiply.”

I think some of these Christian fundamentalists thought that Jesus’s last words as he was crucified were: “Just act stupid until I get back.”

Gotta go–it’s almost Lost o’clock.

Taglines–Updated!

May 3, 2010

For those of you who keep track of such things (and you nerds know who you are), here is a complete list of the taglines I’ve used since the inception of this blog.  If you are unsure of what the tagline is, or where to locate it, it’s that sporadically-appearing phrase set in tiny, tiny print, that changes—as if by magic—located directly underneath the blog’s title, which is Late But Soon.  Surely you have noticed it?  Also, sorry about the small print. 

I wasn’t sure if anyone noticed the taglines—you know, due to the tiny print and all—and I was worried I was wasting my time trying to come up with new ones.  Knowing the median age group (or is it the mean age group?  I always get those confused) that reads—or neglects to read—this blog, I figured many of you couldn’t even see these gems, maybe because you couldn’t find your reading glasses.  (HINT: Did you check on top of your head?  Thought so.)   So I just thought I would point the taglines out.  Because they’re in such small print.  Again, sorry about that.

Anyway here they are:

— Don’t Try This

— Don’t Try This Without Reading Glasses

— Grammatically Correct Since March 2009

— Grammatically Correct Since I Was In the Womb

— LatteButSoon (available only in October and November in honor of the best seasonal flavor Starbucks has ever served–pumpkin spice!)

— Is a Semicolon Savant

— Will Get To It Tomorrow

— Serious Nerding Going On Here

— Attractive With Glasses

— Is In Big Trouble Now (evidently, Pope Week! wasn’t as popular as Shark Week! in certain demographics, by which I mean the Vatican.  But give it time.  It WILL catch on.)

Updated:

— When You Get to Drinkin’ It Messes Up Yer Thinkin’

–A Thoughtful, Humorous Wino

On second thought, pay no attention to the stupid taglines.  They are just silly.  And so very, very hard to read.

Edited to add:  I have successfully rented out the tagline space.  I was amazed at how many businesses jumped at the opportunity to advertise—despite the small type—in such a primo location.  We’ll see how this plays out.  See me in the comments if you want in on this unique opportunity!