Pope Week! Wrap-Up

Just a few more pope facts before I wrap this exciting week up.

First off, while doing my Internet research on the pope (Wikipedia is so helpful—and accurate!) I found out that our current pope, the former Joseph Ratzinger (former nickname:  Joey “Rats”—adorable!) was a member of Hitler’s Yahtzee Youth Group when he was a young boy growing up in Germany in the 1930s. Imagine that!

Say what you want about Hitler, but I would never have expected him to sponsor such a wholesome and intellectually stimulating activity as Yahtzee.  For KIDZ!  Here is a picture of young Joseph in his Yahtzee uniform.

Disturbingly, he looks most innocent when wearing this uniform.

Here he is, as a young priest, blessing the congregation.  Or something like that.

Then I discovered that our pope has had a movie career, or at least tried to start one.  This is just another little-known fact that you can only find on Wikipedia (my new BFF).  When I saw this publicity still, I was very surprised:

I was only aware of two other iterations of the Grinch story.  There is the animated Seuss version, with Boris Karloff doing the narration and voice of the Grinch (inspired casting!), and there was the live-action film starring Jim Carrey.  I did not know of another version.  WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED OF THIS?!

Wait… what’s that?  OHH.  This is a still from the screen test for “Bad Santa.”  Eventually they went with Billy Bob Thornton for the title role.  So, yes Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus.  In your NIGHTMARES.

Another thing I learned is that, coincidentally, we have just passed the fifth anniversary of the election of Pope Benedict XVI.  Yep.  It was on April 19, 2005 that the newly elected pontiff took up residence in Vacation City (so named for all the tourists who regularly visit it, especially in the spring and summer months). 

On the fifth anniversary of his election, I’d say this pope needs our prayers more than anything else.  Certainly more than the traditional anniversary gifts you would give a pope.  (Quick rundown of appropriate papal gifts:  1st anniversary is typically commemorated with a set of rosary beads; 2nd anniversary–a crucifix; 3rd–an incense burner, nothing too ornate; 4th–a front-yard shrine of Mary; and this year, the 5th anniversary–the frabjulous Infant of Prague statue, the one where he is holding the Holy Hand Grenade, or whatever that orb-like thing is).  Five years—a milestone, really.

Let’s leave Pope Week! (it was a great Pope Week, wasn’t it?) with this thought:  As Vatican spokesman Cardinal Lorenzo Linguini said last week, “The pope needs our prayers in these difficult times.  Many evil powers are conspiring to bring the Church down through gossip and lies.  He is the guardian of the faith.  Think of him as God’s Rottweiler.  He needs your prayers and support, and occasionally, a good scratch behind the ears.  Also a nap.  A nap would be good.”

Some will pray that Pope Benedict, our own German Shepherd, will gain the strength he needs (through napping and prayer), to be ready to bite the faces off those who have the audacity and courage to point out the many instances of egregious hypocrisy in the Church. 

Whenever I hear insane rationalizations like those that have been coming from the Vatican recently, I think:  WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?)  And the answer is:  the opposite of what the Vatican is doing.          Of that I’m sure.

Your move, Holy Man.

Pope Week!…Continued

I realize I’ve kind of dropped the ball on Pope Week and haven’t really given you your full money’s worth.  I blew my whole wad of pope facts      in one day.  It’s been more like Pope Week Lite.  All I can say in answer to your vast disappointment is “Mea culpa” (that’s Pope-talk for: “Let’s move on”).

But here is something else!  To distract you!

List of Words That Rhyme With Pope

1.  Hope 

2.  Dope 

3.  Nope 

4.  Rope 

5.  Soap 

6.  Mope

 7.  Grope 

And I’m out.

It’s Pope Week!

For some reason, the pope has been a trending topic over the last two weeks.  I can’t imagine why, other than because he’s so photogenic.           People click on links to stories about the pope almost as much as they      do for stories about Sarah Palin.  I do not understand why people keep googling the term “EVIL INCARNATE” so much lately.  (I’m referring to the former half-term grifter-governor here, just want to be clear on that—no need to tempt fate.) 

But I’ve been thinking—if certain interesting topics, like sharks, can merit their own week of special coverage, why can’t the pope?  I say it’s high time we designate a week to focus on this feisty newsmaker, the pope.  So, I declare this week to be POPE WEEK!  It’s just like Shark Week, only more terrifying.

There are many similarities between the pope and sharks.  I am not a scientist, but I have a hunch they could both be cold-blooded.  (I should probably Google that before I put it out there.)  At least they are both mammals, I think.  They are mostly solitary creatures, but can be lured in with chum or altar boys.  They are best approached only by professionals who will not provoke them unduly and who are encased in a sturdy shark-proof cage, or in the pope’s case, protection is provided by encasing the pope himself in shatter-proof Plexiglas.  This is to shield the faithful from the pope’s super-powers and laser eyes. 

Those eyes…I could just get lost in those eyes… they are like intense black pools… Huh?… Wha?… I’m back.

I’ve been scouring the Internets for my pope research.  (Man, there are like over 100 facts about the pope!)  Apparently he lives in his own special city in Rome, called “The Emerald City.”  It is always filled with tourists and/or Munchkins.  There are Swiss guards who wear brightly colored gauchos with spats who are supposed to be guarding the pope or something.  They frighten no one.  In fact, people secretly laugh at their FASHION FAIL behind their backs.

The pope is much more smartly put together in his dress, red Prada loafers, and scepter.  He knows how to work it. 

He can fly.

He closely resembles Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars.

Although in earlier photos—before Palpatine became emperor and was still just the junior Senator from Naboo—he more closely resembled Joe Lieberman, the junior Senator from Connecticut, before abandoning the Jedi (Democrats) and going over to the Dark Side, where he combined fortunes with Dark Sith Lord McCain.

Why the Lieberman connection?  Who can say why?  This is just one of the many mysteries of our faith that we must unquestioningly accept. 

A few more of the pope’s many talents:  He can speak English like normal people, but he can also speak Latin (the mysterious Bible-language the ancient gods spoke) and German (a.k.a.: the language of love).

As soon as I find more pope facts, I’ll post them here.  It’s going to be a great week!

In the Eye of the Beholder

What Sarah Palin Looks Like to Me (in Leather)


I think she is holding a box of teabags in her hand.  To bring to the tea party she is attending.  How thoughtful.

What Sarah Palin Looks Like to John McCain

I’d say she probably started looking like this to McCain about two weeks into the campaign.  Should have opened that can up in Alaska. 

What Karl Rove Looks Like to Stephen Colbert

I’ll never look at ham again in the same way.  Or it may never look at me the same way.

And here’s the proof that you ARE what you eat.  (Mom was right!)

If this wasn’t true, Cafepress couldn’t sell these T-shirts, right?

God bless the Internets!

This Should Help Clear Things Up

To all of you nerds who—like me—have been unfairly and inaccurately labeled as “dorks,” “geeks,” “dweebs,” or worse (you may have been referred to as “bookish”–the worst calumny of all!), look what I found today on a blog called, appropriately, Nerdist.  Evidently, some people do not see the difference between each of these labels, yet they dare to use them interchangeably.  Now, instead of exhaustively explaining the nuances in meaning among these terms, you can just refer these dummies to this simple diagram.  The Internets can be so helpful! 

You’re welcome. This nerd/dork/geek/dweeb Venn diagram should save you a lot of time and frustration in the future. 

As the diagram illustrates, only the nerd possesses all of the three main characteristics which intersect in a colorfully symmetrical and, thus, nerd-pleasing way to define him/her/it as a nerd:  there’s both the intelligence and freakish obsession—compulsion, some would say—to explain the fine distinctions between these terms, but there’s also that essential third ingredient:  the social ineptitude which renders the nerd either unwilling or unable to discuss this in a normal, face-to-face encounter.  (Public speaking: not a nerd’s strong suit.  Some of us tend to black out when addressing more than three people at once.)  Also there’s the good chance that no one will be remotely interested in your dopey Venn diagram and will tell you so to your face.  So you have to discuss these things in your nerdy little blog.

Another good indicator of nerdishness is the honest belief that Venn diagrams are an utterly fascinating topic and worthy of extensive discussion.  Guilty.

My husband swears that when I am at my computer he can hear the nerding going on right through the walls.  I am sure it keeps him awake some nights.

P. S.  To those of you who have been called “dweebs,” I say:  Stop hanging out with people who are still using phrases from the 1950s.  It makes you look really dorky.