Iz John McCain a Sloe Lerner? *

Together Again

‘Murika’s Sweethearts

Dr. Frankenstein and His Monster

U.S. Senator John McCain (L) and former Alaska governor and vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin acknowledge the crowd during a campaign rally for McCain at the Pima County Fairgrounds in Tucson, Arizona, March 26, 2010. REUTERS/Joshua Lott
Credit: Reuters/Joshua Lott

Senator McCain, in case you forgot (which would not be surprising given the advanced stage of Alzheimers you have been battling since that resounding smackdown you got last November), things didn’t go so well for you the last time you stood next to this  retard, grifter, biker granny, eejit  (*sigh*)  person.

It looks like you two have made some sort of kinky, sado-masochistic, political suicide pact with the devil.  You need Palin’s endorsement to get the fringy Teabagger votes, and she needs you for… hmm… I don’t really know what she needs you for anymore.  Same for Cindy.

Funny how that deal worked out for you.  That shrew you plucked fresh off the Alaskan tundra now has to swoop in and save your wrinkled old ass.  Ironic.  The fact that you must both hate each other with a flaming intensity unmatched in recent political history, and are only going through the motions dictated by the cynicism and absolute drive to win that is demanded by desperate conservatives today actually has entertainment value for some people (me!).

So Palin agrees to come and give a stump screech for you, in perfectly appropriate campaign gear: dominatrix-style tight leather jacket complete with tit-zippers (this is the perfect metaphor for your relationship, BTW–there’s no doubt who’s in charge here), and you stand there gamely, trying to absorb the fact that not only has she completely upstaged you, she is practically mocking you to your face.  Well not actually to your face; her back is to you.  This positioning of her body directly in front of yours, separating you from the audience, completely obliterates your old wrinkly self from the view of the crowd and the camera.  But that’s OK–the crowd is here to see her anyway!  And poor Cindy—she looks constipated and has lasers shooting out of her eyes each time she looks in Palin’s direction.

So good luck with your re-election.  Isn’t insanity described as doing something the same way and yet hoping for a different result?                Just saying.

 [P.S.—Senator McCain, I know this product I am about to endorse is all new-fangled and such, like the Intertubes, but has anyone ever told you about Crest White Strips?… Didn’t think so.]

GO Hayworth!!  (Never thought I’d say that.)

* No.  He is just “differently-abled.”  In the head.

Late But Soon Is 1!

Can it be true?  My little blog is one year old!  They grow so fast.

Actually, my first blog post was March 24, 2009.  I know you can all see that this is not today’s date, but I can’t change that (stupid WordPress).  This blog is not named Latebutsoon for nothing.

So about a year ago, I made the decision to stop tormenting selected victims–friends–with annoying and unsolicited e-mails, and instead opted to inflict them with an annoying and unsolicited blog.

I’ve been at this foolishness for a year now.  I would never have started this blog except for a random visit one night to a friend’s house–Joyce’s.  Her daughter Katie happened to be there.  She is a whiz on the computer, not to mention an artist, and also very impulsive.  Anyway, thanks to her somewhat brutal midwifery, Latebutsoon was born.  Here is Katie’s version of events, from her blog

For years Lori had been sending her writing to friends via email.  Every so often I would be the recipient of one of these emails if Lori thought I might enjoy reading it.  Ah, what a special treat those emails were!  She got the idea in her head that maybe she should try this blog thing out and post her writing for everyone to see, but was still very weary of it.  [I think Katie meant “wary” here, although I do see her point; my writing could weary anyone, especially me.]  Lori explained her blog concerns to me one evening.  After reviewing her list of reasons why she shouldn’t start a blog, including “What if the blog gets too popular? I don’t want it to be too big!” [Ha!  No worries there.]  I decided these were all terrible excuses and said, Fuck it, we’re setting up your damn blog now!  So now Late But Soon exists for everyone to read and enjoy. Her writing is hilarious, descriptive, and a little fucking weird, and even if it weren’t all those fabulous things I would tell you to go read anyway because it’s so grammatically correct it’s enjoyable for just that reason!

She’s right about it being grammatically correct, anyway.

So thanks, Katie, for your encouragement and assistance with this gigantic waste of time.  No really, sincere thanks!  I just needed to get started, which is always the hardest thing for me.

So yes, you can blame or thank Katie for yet another blog on the Internet.  Just what the Internet needed.  Everyone and their granny are already doing a blog.  The Internets are lousy with this sort of thing, and so… you would think… if there is just one person with enough restraint to realize that not everyone is going to be rapt by every word you write… and that there are already way too many people out there who think they have something important to say, then by God—I hope that one person is me.

But it’s not.  It will have to be some other, better person.

Although I strongly suspect that Twitter is now the way to go.  Blogs are becoming passe.  And I have thus far resisted the siren call of Facebook. 

But even though blogs are not as popular as they were, I cannot resist building my giant walls of text.  You should realize that about half of what I say is bullshit, the other half is truth, and the third half is jokes.  It’s up to you to figure out which of these three halves is which, and also that I was probably absent from school the week they did fractions.  They are not really my strong suit. 

I will finish this day’s huge block of text with some more words from Katie’s blog from about a year ago, which were very encouraging to me then (and now!):

In recent years I have really taken a liking to Emily’s mother, Lori.  Or maybe Lori has taken a liking to me.  Yeah, that’s it.  You see, for years and years Lori was just a strict mom in my eyes, but now she lets her freak flag fly around me and I like it!

But that was eleven years ago.  Lots of stuff has changed, and now Lori lets me drink half a bottle of wine, almost as good as half a carton of ice cream, as I teach her how to use her new blog : Late But Soon.

Katie, you are welcome to the wine–and the ice cream–any time!


Things I Imagine Hot Guys Are Saying About Me Now

“Not much of a rack, but would’ya check out the vocabulary on her!”

“I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for doing crossword puzzles!”

“Those bifocals really bring out your cataracts.”

“She looks like the type that goes wild… in the kitchen.”

“Proof that lady, guys, she’s trying to scam the senior discount again!”

“Man, that woman is sizzling hot!  She is smokin’!”  (Nope… hot flash.)

I’d let her make me a sandwich anytime!”

“Should I help that lady cross the street?”

March Madness

March really is a crazy month.  Some would go so far as to associate a kind of “madness” to it.  I wouldn’t argue with that.  I see many examples of so-called insanity in the month of March:
March 3–Dr. Seuss’s Birthday.  No one was madder than this guy.  Have you seen his books?  They are destroying our children!  Here’s an exerpt:
          I am Spam.

Do you like this
E-mail spam?

I do not like it,
I do not like
your e-mail Spam.

Would you like it
if it’s lewd?
Would you like it
in the nude?

I would not like it
if it’s lewd.
I would not like it
in the nude.
I would not like it
here or there.
I would not like it
I do not like
your e-mail spam.
I do not like it

There is so much more.  Suess’s books are destroying our children’s minds with charming rhyming couplets and lilting trochaic meter!  Not to mention the imaginative and outlandishly drawn characters.  And kids LOVE it!

March 5–Multiple Personality Day.  This proves March is a little insane–they have taken one day out of this month to acknowledge a mental disorder.

March 6–Multiple Personality Day.  Make that two days–so many personalities; so little time.  Two days for crazy.  I believe this supports my point about March.

March 15–The Ides of March.  Everyone always goes around saying this on March 15th.  “Beware the ides of March,” they say in a menacing tone on this particular date every year, in a desperate attempt to appear literate by demonstrating they have a passing familiarity with Julius Caesar, which means they’ve read at least one Shakespeare play.  This date is not what you could call crazy, I guess, but it is an unlucky day; it portends evil, kind of like Friday the 13th, but only if you are (were) Julius Caesar.  His pal Brutus killed him…which is some crazy bullshit…but it was a really long time ago, and the fact that we still refer to this event every March 15th seems kind of nutty to me.

March 17–St. Patrick’s Day.  I personally love St. Patrick’s Day.  Any holiday centered on the consumption of alcohol has the potential for a bit of madness (also called “fun”).  But I don’t think the original point of St. Patrick’s Day had to do with drinking despite the fact that it involves the Irish.  I think it started out as a Catholic thing, but this holiday has been totally secularized.  If you doubt this, go to a St. Patrick’s Day parade…IF you can stand the bagpipes.  WHY SO MANY BAGPIPES?  Those toneless dirges make me want to kill myself.  I am sure this is why people drink so heavily at the parade–they’re hoping to pass out, or if they’re lucky, go deaf from extreme alcohol consumption (must consult Wikipedia to see if this is possible).  Anything to blot out that infernal caterwauling!  

Fun fact:  Did you know that St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, was born in Roman Britain in the fifth century? (Wikipedia again.)  So by extrapolation doesn’t this mean St. Patrick was IRISH-ITALIAN?!              SO AM I!  How crazy is that?  Case closed.   

The March Hare–Not a holiday, but rather a character in a novel, most famous for appearing in the tea party scene in Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland.  And we all know how mad those Tea Partiers are, don’t we?  They are fucking lunatics, that’s what. 

There’s also the phrase, “as mad as a March hare.”  Hares have long been thought to behave excitedly in March, which is their mating season.  As Alice says in the novel, regarding the March Hare:

 “…As this is May, it [the March Hare] won’t be raving mad–at least not so mad as it was in March.” 

Which actually makes no sense.  But I have long believed Alice was on some kind of an acid trip.  If you don’t agree, you can Go Ask Alice.  So–there you have it–more evidence of March madness.

March 27–Youngest child’s 18th birthday.  18?!!  That cannot be right.  He will be going away to college next fall?  This, if you ask me, is the craziest thing of all.  This month is impossible.

One more proof of the madness of March–There is also something going on, I believe, relating to the sport of BASKETBALL.  And evidently it happens in March.  Whatever it is, our president is pretty excited about it, but I am not seeing the connection to health care reform.  Anyway, I think this thing is starting today.  Sounds wacky!