I mean, come on, was all that necessary? Two-and-a-half feet? It is–if I may say this–positively SNOW-TARDED around here! (Can I say that? I think I can, now that Sarah Palin has deemed using any form of this word to be SATIRE, but only when Rush Limbaugh says it; not so much when Rahm Emanuel does. I think I’ll be forgiven.) I do NOT remember supersizing my order of snow. Come to think of it, I don’t think I ordered any snow. A McFlurry maybe, but this wasn’t what I had in mind.
Winter, we need to have a talk: You are really harshing my mellow. I don’t mind a little snow now and then; it’s pretty, and very useful for things like the Winter Olympics, which, I would like to remind you, are being held this year in Vancouver, B.C., and not in central NJ. (IOC: get on this for next time. In case you haven’t noticed, all the snow you ordered got delivered here.)
Who doesn’t enjoy a nice cozy day at home drinking hot cocoa spiked with Bailey’s after you’ve shoveled five times that day? After all, snow days are fun, and we’re all just 4th-graders at heart—4th graders who enjoy a little snort of Bailey’s in their hot cocoa on the right occasion. Am I right?…who’s with me?…whiskey maybe? (What, your mother never gave you Bailey’s in your hot chocolate?…oops, well, anyway, the Bailey’s is for the pain.) Because after shoveling out after the last few blizzards, my shoulder is falling off. Literally. I have to go see my doctor about getting my arm screwed back into my scapula or something. It’s very technical.
What really worries me, if it keeps snowing like this, is that I won’t be able to rest my arm properly, and I don’t want this injury to screw up my chances for making the Olympic snow-shoveling-and-Bailey’s-drinking team when the Winter Olympics come to central NJ next year. (Olympics are held every year, right? Or does it just seem like it?)
Remember, you heard it here—Olympics and the Jersey Shore.* Perfect together.
[*Not THAT Jersey Shore. I mean the Location, not the Situation.]