Any blogger—even an imitation blogger like me—knows that at this time of year one must write the obligatory New Year’s Resolutions post. So here it is—even if it’s five days late (proof that I have not yet broken my resolution to quit making resolutions to quit procrastinating.)
2010 New Year’s Resolutions
1. Gain weight.
2. Start smoking.
3. Spend more time on the Internets.
4. Increase stress.
5. Drink more.
6. Sqander my money (time, youth, etc.)
I think I can live with these resolutions. There is a good chance that I will accomplish most of them. I was going to put as item #7—“Show Sarah Palin some love,” but this was supposed to be a list of resolutions I might actually be able to keep.
I think we can all agree that my 2010 resolutions are much better than last year’s, which were really lame. Here they are again—keep in mind that I did not keep any of them (and once again, I’d like to apologize for their lameness):
2009 New Year’s Resolutions
1. Will stop telling my husband that the reason I have to drink a glass of wine every night is because of the “incredible pressure and anxiety that volunteering to put out the church newsletter is causing me.”
2. I will finally see what the inside of my gym looks like.
3. I will plan meals in advance so I don’t find myself in the kitchen at 6:00 p.m., desperately eyeing the dog’s kibble and wondering how it would taste with some Rao’s spaghetti sauce and some grated cheese over it. Because Rao’s spaghetti sauce can make anything taste good.
4. Do not write while gooped up on gop.
5. I will quit telling everyone that I’m listening to cool bands on my iPod when I’m really listening to Glen Campbell singing “Wichita Lineman.” That’s right, I said Glen Campbell.
6. I will explain to my husband that it embarrasses me when he tells others that I requested the Frost-Nixon interviews as a Christmas gift. Not the movie version. The real ones.
7. I will try to come up with a couple more resolutions to make it an even ten before the year is over. *
* Not accomplished.
So have a Happy New Year and try not to get all worked up about the fact that we are entering a NEW YEAR and you need some RESOLUTIONS, DAMMIT, because HECK, we are entering a new DECADE for chrissake, and you don’t enter a new DECADE without some freakin’ resolutions, now do you?
(FYI–If you want to get technical, 2010 is not actually the start of the new decade; that would be 2011. Ask any small child to begin counting and I guarantee you they will start with “1” and not “0”. We are still in the last year of the decade that began in 2001. This same chicken-and-egg conundrum happened with Y2K—if anyone remembers back that far—so if it makes you feel any better not to have your resolutions ready for the new decade, you are off the hook. I know I feel better!)
So sleep tight kiddies, and you can put off worrying about those new decade resolutions until NEXT year! Works for me.