Twittering Idiot

August 25, 2009

YOU MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT today’s subject was going to be about Sarah Palin, based on the title of this post.  She sure was prolific on Twitter for a while–her tweets were sheer poetry, as thespian-extraordinaire William Shatner brilliantly demonstrated on Conan O’Brien recently.   But this former beauty pageant runner-up, recently “retired” Alaska governor, once-and-future Vice Presidential candidate, rabid race-baiter, and sexy grandma (quite the resume there!), Sarah Palin (a.k.a. Ms. Quittypants), is not on my mind at this moment.  She ‘s just not as accessible as she used to be.  Lately she lurks on Facebook, or rather, her new ghostwriter does.  The new writer’s style is not nearly as poetic as hers, in that it’s readable.  She’s in hiding somewhere, having a nervous breakdown, some say, or maybe just having her meds adjusted, getting plastic surgery, or perhaps “writing” her book–or some combination of these completely plausible scenarios.  Ready to REAR HER HEAD and pop out again sometime in the future to save “real Americans” (you know, the ones who openly carry pistols to health care town hall meetings) from death panels or Putin.  You betcha.

NO, TODAY I AM GOING TO OPINE on the technological wonder known as Twitter.  The jury’s still out on this.  My own personal jury, I mean.  I have one.   And they are wafflers.  They couldn’t decide between vanilla or chocolate if their lives depended on it.  I guess what I am saying is, my jury is very open-minded.  They see both the PROS AND CONS of Twitter.  So that means Twitter is going to get off easy–probably with a suspended sentence or house arrest.  Possibly there will be ankle-bracelet monitoring, and some time lopped off for good behavior.  Don’t give up on Twitter; there is some good in it; it is just misunderstood.

HERE’S HOW I (AND MY JURY) SEE IT:  Sometimes I feel compelled to apologize for the “light posting” which is just a euphemistic way of describing my laziness here on my IMITATION BLOG.   If I were a subscriber to the EMERGENCY INTERNET (Twitter), I could share with you all the random thoughts that inexplicably pop into my head, especially after the morning caffeine session.

YOU ARE MISSING SO MUCH!

But you should all THANK GOD that I do not subscribe to Twitter.  Because if I did, you would be treated to this:

Morning is the time of day when I most wish it wasn’t morning.  I have a feeling I would enjoy it much later in the day.

They call the control panel where you write your blog post the “dashboard.”  But it’s more like a car with a manual transmission–and I can’t drive this fucking thing.

I recommend a rum and coke or two before sitting down at the computer.  That’s what makes my stories such winners.  And by winners, I mean losers. 

I can’t decide if it’s “bars” or “boats” which should top my list of “favorite places to get nauseous.”

Could twittering make me less negative overall?  Since it’s confining my thoughts to 140 char or less?  I don’t know.  Fuck off.

What do you say when using Twitter for the first time:  “Hi, happy to tweet you?”

All this wisdom, crammed into just 140 characters or less. 

I don’t know if people fully appreciate just how precious it is to put forth perfectly pithy, witty—and sometimes accidentally humorous—statements of 140 characters or less.  I’m beginning to consider this style of writing (sorry–“tweeting”) as something of an artform and Sarah Palin is a master at this.  It’s like poetry, almost haiku.  Some of them are gems.       

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Loudon Wainwright Wednesday

August 19, 2009

This is a song to listen to if you start thinking about your age in terms of numbers.  Age is not a number; it’s an attitude.  No one proves this more than Loudon Wainwright.  This guy shows no signs of slowing down at 60 + years.   When dealing with all the aches and pains that come with getting older–consider the alternative!  And then you will just want more.  

Make mine a double!  

Can you tell I’m looking forward to Loudon Wainwright and Richard Thompson’s joint concert?  Loud and Rich, indeed.

(NOTE:  Edited to add the two newest, winningest search terms that led people to my blog.  See bottom of list.)

On the control panel of my blog—the “dashboard”—as real bloggers (not imitation bloggers like myself) like to call it, there is a way that I can see what search terms people entered that led them to this blog.  Here are a few examples of the weird shit that people were looking up that got them here:

          late and soon blog

          terrifying photoshop monster

          wine flu

          montauk monster

          ritual viking burial at sea

          real washed up sea giants

          true sea monster

          talking pants

          real washed up alaska governors (Totally made this one up.)

          california winery jobs

          is there such thing as a sea monster and what is it?

          gin wisdom

          ms. quittypants

          hail mary spam

          sarah palin

          my god it’s full of spam

          deep sea monster lobster

What is wrong with you people?  What kind of person would want to read about any of these topics?   Sickos, that’s who.

Let’s talk about gin!

TANQUERAY RANGPUR GIN (or, the new green fairy):  Tasted this delicious elixir at a friend’s house this weekend.  Unbelievably refreshing.  Tasty!  I may swear off vodka for the rest of the summer.  Find out more about it here.  Reviewers have said this gin is so good they prefer to drink it straight.  (NOTE TO SELF:  Find out how one goes about landing a job as a liquor reviewer.)

I recommend going out there and getting some of this right away, although it is too late to avoid that nasty liquor tax.  If you have trouble getting this in the NY/NJ area it is either because liquor stores in this area are not carrying it yet, or my friend–the one who introduced me to this–is hogging it all.   I checked her liquor cabinet:  YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE!