I have been locked in a soul-struggle about joining Facebook. Even though my natural curiosity about “hooking up” (only in the good way) with old friends tantalizes me, my natural inclination toward procrastination whispers that Facebook might require maintenance at a level I’m not ready to commit to. I hate the word “maintenance.” It conjures up images of gardening, pedicures, and waxing—you know, all those things that need constant tending to.
With Facebook, it seems like you have to update your profile picture every other day, and it’s just too taxing to have to search for the perfect shot of yourself looking your best AND having a fantastic time, AND not looking too smashed. You have to come up with clever status updates, like, every five minutes. This seems like too much work to me. And my avoidance of work is well-documented.
I don’t know why I don’t feel the same way about this blog. I just drink three cups of coffee, get an idea for an essay, tweak it a little, drink more coffee, and hit “Publish.” And then after a glass of wine or two at night, when my caffeine-induced mania is gone and my good judgment returns, but before I’m drunk (the timing is the tricky part), I’ll edit it about ten more times. Easy. And then a week later, when no one will ever read that post again, I find a better way to word something and then I update it again.
But I have viewed others’ Facebook pages and I noticed some things. A few months ago there was this “25 Random Things About Me” list that made the rounds. I realize this meme is somewhat dated now, but I made a list anyway, thinking I should be ready in case I ever join, but mostly because I hate to waste a perfectly good list.
25 Random Things About Me
1. I would put out for Thin Mints or Pinot Grigio.
2. I consider myself somewhat of a savant about the Kennedy Assassination. Go ahead, ask me anything.
3. Knows that in Sonoma, it is not considered bad form to begin drinking at 10:00 a.m. After all, that is when the wineries open.
4. Wishes she lived in Sonoma.
5. Would like to find out if Sean Hannity would change his opinion that waterboarding is not torture if he submitted to it himself. Would pay good money to see that. (Edit: Apparently Keith Olbermann would pay even better money to see that, too–but Hannity has declined the offer.)
6. Is starting to feel uncomfortable when my dog looks directly into my soul.
7. Knows that all the really good writers were drinkers.
8. Wonders which comes first–the good writing or the drinking, and worries that maybe I’m doing it wrong.
9. Wonders if Pope Benedict XVI has a Facebook account. Imagines his update status might be something like this: “Slipping into my red Prada loafers, getting ready to deny the Holocaust.”
10. When my daughters were little I sometimes slept in their beds. Dreamt of unicorns and rainbows there. Wonders if when they slept in my bed, they had terrifying nightmares about not attending a class for an entire semester and failing the final.
11. I was born in the Bronx. I know–fascinating!
12. Things I learned from frequenting the White Castle establishment on Fordham Road, in the Bronx, at 2 a.m., circa 1976-80:
- that while the glass window between the patrons and servers at this establishment may have been bullet-proof, sadly, it was not cockroach-proof;
- some people actually experience painful, physical cravings that only a White Castle chocolate shake can satisfy. The cause of these cravings is, as yet, unknown.
- what those marks on the White Castle lady’s arms really were.
13. Thinks a gap between the two front teeth is sexy.
14. Referring back to item # 5: You can substitute Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly, or Ann Coulter in place of Sean Hannity for that waterboarding gig. Oh yeah, and Glenn Beck, too. He might confess to being bat-shit insane.
15. Wishes the economy would collapse already–the suspense is killing me.
16. Did absolutely nothing with the fabulous education I received from Fordham University. Except this.
17. I am a big fan of my own cooking. (My post from April 21, 2009 supports this.)
18. I have never fainted.
19. God, aren’t we at 25 yet? I am running out of random things to say about me.
20. Secretly wants to write her own blog. (Update: Yer lookin’ at it.)
21. I am an excellent driver.
22. I paid good money to see Bob Dylan in concert—twice. Big mistake. Twice.
23. Would like to learn to play the violin.
24. Should really get to the gym more often. (Just kidding; not really feelin’ it.)
25. Might be overthinking this Facebook thing.