Please watch this video, then read the post:
I don’t know why this video strikes me so funny. I watched it three times in a row, mesmerized, and by the third time I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I don’t know what this says about me. It’s just a dog barking at an unfamiliar inanimate object. It’s what dogs do. Even if that object is Jesus Christ (or a reasonable facsimile) enthusiastically preaching the Good News. To a dog. Dogs don’t care, and this does not mean they are heathens; I have it on good authority that all dogs go to heaven. They just know that there’s something terribly wrong when humanlike sounds come out of rubberized objects that smell vaguely like one of their chew toys. Which brings me to Sean Hannity. I’ll explain in a moment.
It occurred to me—it wasn’t the talking Jesus doll that was cracking me up. (Maybe a little.) It was that poor puppy’s reaction to it. Metaphorically speaking—and I am qualified to speak in Metaphor; all English majors are fluent in it—THIS is what I found funny: If you substitute the talking Jesus doll for Sean Hannity (and forgive me, folks, there is nothing about Sean Hannity that remotely resembles Jesus, but hear me out); if you substitute the dog’s completely visceral reaction to the sound of that voice, then—THERE IT IS—you have captured my exact reaction whenever I hear Sean Hannity’s voice. I don’t even have to see him. The dog’s agitated behavior—its witless barking, its total contempt for the sounds emanating from this plastic mannequin’s pre-recorded microchip, the foaming and frothing at the mouth—IF I were a dog, this would mirror my own reaction. Except for the foaming and frothing at the mouth—I cannot help it—especially when it involves Hannity.
If I were a dog, it would probably be best if Sean Hannity were nowhere near me. Because I would have to bite him. Or at least pee on him.
P. S. Once again, apologies to Jesus for comparing him to this bloviating jerk. They are nothing alike, and I really hope it’s just a coincidence that Jesus’ middle initial is H. That just wouldn’t be right.